Potential! - With a new note!

This post is a lot more personal than most of mine. A lot more introspective (I think that is the word I want). A lot more serious. Its one I'm writing for me as much as anyone else. I'm just kind of thinking out loud (or at least in B&W print). Hope you don't mind! If you do, remember it is MY blog! : ) No comments are necessary, I'm ok, just doing a lot of thinking.

Why do some people not live up to their potential? Why do some people just not make it out of a bad childhood but others find a way to overcome? This week, I heard about a really good friend of mine who made a life altering choice, a mistake that will be very difficult to overcome. This friend didn't have a lot of support or many examples growing up. Its one of those people whose life starts out so far in the gutter, you just hope and pray they can somehow climb out of it. This was a person that classmates thought I was better than, they thought I shouldn't waste my time, couldn't understand why we were friends. People told me I'd get hurt, that this person wasn't good for me and didn't really care about me. My parents even cringed at our friendship for a long time. This person almost quit high school at one point, even had a high school counselor say there wasn't a chance they'd make it. But they did it. Even succeeding in starting a business that was doing well, last I heard. But despite everything everyone else said and the lifestyle this person lived in and led, this person was someone I always counted on, someone who truly cared about me and wanted the best for me. Someone who despite what everyone said, never hurt me, and was always there for me. I really cared about this person, one of my very best friends, someone who had and still has a place in my heart. But as time has passed and life has led us in different directions, I stopped keeping in touch a few years ago. We were two individuals living our own lives far apart. This person was never great at keeping in touch so I just stopped trying so hard. Its been 4 years since we last talked or I wrote other than the standard Christmas letter. The news I heard this week almost broke my heart. It was news that everyone else probably expected years ago.

But as I think more about it, I wonder how things could have been different. I truly believed in this person, believed the potential was there. What went wrong? I wonder if I did enough, did I do my best? What could I have said or done to help this person more? Did I fail this person or did this person just need more than I could give? Friendship and influence of others is such a powerful thing but I know in the end its not up to me what others do ... its up to each person to make their own choices and that each of us are held accountable for our own decisions. This person just finally made the decision everyone expected long ago.

I hope I'm living up to my potential and I hope that I'm being the best person I can be. But I also hope I'm helping others live up to their potential. I hope I'm pulling others up, doing everything I can to lift them. I hope that when I come to the end, I can look in the eyes of my friends, family, aquaintances and Savior and say, I truly did my best. I hope I don't have to say sorry to those friends for not being a good enough example, for not being a good enough friend. I've always tried to live my life so that I don't have to experience this situation in the life to come. Sometimes, I wonder if this isn't the friend I failed but I truly hope I did my best. And I wonder if now, after all this time and distance, is there something I can do? All of these thoughs, reminded me of a poem that my brother gave me when he was on his mission for our church. It has always stuck with me and been a favorite of mine.

My Friend (I don't know who wrote it or where it came from)
My friend I stand in judgement now and feel that you're to blame somehow. On earth I walked with you each day and never did you point the way. You knew the Lord in truth and glory and never did you tell the story. My knowledge then was very dim, you could have led me straight to Him. Though we lived together on the earth, you never mentioned the second birth. And now I stand with joys deferred because you failed to share his word. You taught me many things, its true. I called you friend and trusted you. But I learn now how much I lost. You could have saved me such a cost. We walked by day and talked by night and yet you showed me not the light. You let me live ... and love ... and die. You knew how much I'd lose on high. Yes, I called you friend in life and trusted you through joys and strife and yet on coming to the end, I cannot call you now my friend.

Anyway, food for thought for all of you... and mostly for myself! Are you doing your best? Are you being the best you? Are you loving others and being a friend? Are you lifting others? I guess it goes back to the simple phrases of one of my favorite hymns ... "Have I done any good in the world today? Have I helped anyone in need? Have I cheerd up the sad, made someone feel glad? If not I have failed indeed. Has anyone's burden been lighter today, because I was willing to shre? Have the sick and the weary been helped on their way? When they needed my help was I there?"

I hope I did my best, but I am also using this experience to remind myself to do a little better, be a little better every day. A better mom, wife, friend, daughter, sister, neighbor, boss, ... a better me. I once heard someone give a talk to women encouraging them. He said, "do your best, which you usually do." I just have to remind myself, that I usually do my best, and its ok to slip sometimes because that is my best! I can only do so much and then I have to rely on a higher power, on Christ and his sacrifice to carry me the rest of the way. So, I have to stop wondering "why" and "what if" and trust that I did my best and focus on doing my best today and tomorrow and the rest of the days to come.

New Note: I finally had a chance to talk to this friend today and there were good reasons for what happened. The information I was given sounded so bad. I am sorry for not believing more in this person. As sad as I was, I didn't want to believe it and I wanted to be there for this person. I believed everything I read about what happened, but there was actually much more to the story. It is still a bad situation and this person made a choice to be somewhere at a time when things got ugly. But, after hearing their side of the story, I am so grateful that I cared about this person and was there for them. They really did rise above so much and today, gave me new hope that I did my best and that it made a difference. Things aren't as bad as they could be for this person. Lots of prayers to make sure all goes well from here! This friend has taught me so much about friendship, not judging others, seeing deeper than the surface and finding the best in others! Thanks PMW!

A funny from Jess

Today, on our way home from my parents' house (where the two little girls had been playing), Taylor pointed out a VW bug. For some reason, Alyssa started calling them Pinch Buggies this summer instead of Slug Bugs and the whole family has been in a debate about it. We play the game everytime we are in the car. Taylor has strangely sided with Alyssa on this debate (very unusual for Taylor to not side with me on EVERYTHING - she is a Momma's girl to the max).

Anyway, Taylor pointed out a VW bug and said "Pinch Buggie." I teased back "SLUG bug!" Not two seconds letter, Jessica yells out "PIZZA MAN". She was so excited about it - as if it was the game we were playing. Of course, Taylor says, "Where?" and is equally excited about it (as if Taylor even liked pizza!) Jessica points out the car to her. Then, as we drive past the car (it was in the left turning lane) Jess yells, "Its a GIRLY pizza man!" Evidently the pizza man was a pizza WOMAN. Jessica thought that was pretty cool! I loved the way she accented "GIRLY" and didn't even understand the contradiction in her statement. Little kids are just so funny.

Memory of Taylor!

As I was reading my post from last night, I remembered this little story about Taylor and thought I'd share.

Taylor is my shy child - even more so a few years ago. She especially didn't respond well to men so my 6'4" big tease, brother-in-law was not exactly her favorite. When my sister and her family first moved here, they were living with my parents. When we'd go to their house for dinner Taylor always stayed away from Ron UNLESS he had RPB Cups. She TRULY LOVES RPB Cups! He'd have one in his hand and offer it to her. We'd make her at least sign please and then she'd stay as far from him as she could and reach out and grab it and then run back to the safety of mom. Anyway, she discovered where he hid them in his room. She would slip downstairs to their room and get them. We NEVER knew until they moved out and they noticed the PILE of wrappers under the bed. She is the only one small enough to even get under the bed. She had also carefully covered the pile with tissues so nobody would notice. We're talking handfuls of wrappers all tightly squished up. I think that had it not been for the calories in her "can cans", she would have been a lot worse off when her diet was even more limited than it is now.

These pictures were taken in Dec of 2007 at M&M World with 2 of her other favorite food items. M&Ms and "Treats" (Peanut M&Ms). M&M World in Vegas was one of the fun things we did with the kids when we went there for the Bowl Game (BYU - obviously - vs UCLA ... oh and who won that game? Yes, BYU!!) I think the look on her face is so funny. I just imagine her being hugely disappointed that this wasn't a real "treat" she was standing by. Actually she was being kind of grumpy at the time. The 2nd picture she is at least smiling.

Breakthrough for Taylor!

So, I have to tell about our small breakthrough for Taylor this week.

First, for those of you who don't live around me and/or haven't heard our dilemmas with Taylor's eating, you have to understand that Taylor has some serious eating issues - more along the lines of a disorder than picky. It really isn't just a picky little kid. We did an eating class when she was 2-3 to try to hlep, but it didn't at all. So, the whole eating thing has been something we have all fought since she was little and it hasn't improved that much.

Taylor's food during a typical week:

• **about 40 go-gurts (no exaggeration here - today she had EIGHT of them, she prefers blue, but will tolerate purple or pink IF she has one blue with it and/or there are NO blues in the house - but 6 months ago she wouldn't even eat the pink or purple ones at all),
• **about half a big box of crackers (Wheat Thins "yellow crackers" or Cheez-Its "red crackers" - the box is red!)
• **probably close to an entire family size bag of chips (a combination of three chips: Doritos "Red ones", Cool-Ranch Doritos "Blue ones" and Cheetos)
• **6-8 packages of fruit snacks (fruit by the foot or shaped fruit snacks )
• **5 or 6 small bowls of Reese's Cereal with some Cookie Crisp on the side!
• **and of course, her "Cocha" (Chocolate Atkins shake with equal amount of milk mixed in) about 10 shakes a week.

That's the normal for her in a week. Actually, she might eat ONE serving of Mac n Cheese, ONE serving of peas and one or two apples during that week too. If I offer those things too often, she won't have anything to do with them. She is getting much better about apples though. Oh, WAIT ... I forgot her favorites ... the things she gets her calories from ... she also eats "green icecream" (Mint Chocolate Chip - at least she knows what is good!), Otter Pops, grandpa's "white milkshakes" (banana, but don't tell HER that!) and of course about ANY candy you give her but especially "treats" which are Peanut M&Ms, M&Ms (the regular ones) and her ABSOLUTE FAVORITE "can cans" which is Reeses Peanut Butter Cups (but only the miniature ones).

Some might say, force her to eat, don't let her have anything else, but believe me ... it just doesn't work with her. ANYWAY ... her breakthrough, and you are going to laugh at this! She ate the BIG Cheez-Its. Yep, that was our breakthrough. I truly remember a time when she wouldn't even eat BROKEN Cheez-its! If they weren't completely a square, she'd give tehm to her sister or throw them away. At her eating class, we tried different brands and she flipped. We tried all kinds of different crackers - ones that were similar to Wheat thins but different sizes/shapes and she always FLIPPED out. Wouldn't even touch the things. But this week, she didn't even flinch over it. I told her they tasted the same but were bigger for bigger kids and she just ate them!! WAHOO! Maybe, just maybe, she will start expanding. Anyway, I was actually very pleased!

Oh, and she read the box too! She looked at BIG and told me it was BLG because of the way the I looked. I told her that it was an I and she proceeded to sound it out for me (without the box even being in front of her). And this is a child who at the age of 3 qualified for special ed preschool becuase her speech and communication delays! This is a child who during her first year of preschool (age 3-4)did NOT talk (more than one word mumbles) until JANUARY! She was 3 1/2! In January, the kids in her class pointed out to the teacher "Tay can talk, she talks!" They were surprised! Because of her special needs, she also qualified for special ed preschool that year (age 3-4) and attended that the other 2 days a week for 3 hours (we had Monday off). The teacher of that class told me at our final parent teacher meeting in the middle of May that Taylor had FINALLY started saying her NAME during their hello song. Yes, the teacher didn't even know Taylor was talking until MAY! That's how little this kid talked at almost 4 years old! And now, she talks all the time and is actually reading words! I know she isn't advanced for her age but it is the biggest deal to me that she is an AVERAGE kindergarten kid. She still has speech therapy (not as much for pronounciation but the amount she says, her sentence structure or lack of sentences, etc, she's bottom 10-15% for that area), and of course the eating issues, but otherwise, she is a normal little girl!! I am so grateful to be here. There were times when she was 2 and 3 and even a young 4 year old that I wondered if she'd be ready and ok in kindergarten. I knew that eventually, she'd be ok, but I only hoped she'd be this good by this point in her life! Now, we just have to work on the eating issues and the compulsive routines/habits/desires/tendencies but we won't go there in this blog!

Anyway, that's my little breakthrough for Taylor! I'm proud of how far she has come, how much she has grown and I'm proud of the little girl she is becoming! I know it hasn't been easy for her (or for me) but she's really growing a lot!

"Bye Momma!"

That's all Jess had to say as she jumped out of the van in front of preschool on Tuesday - her first day. Actually, first she said, "Where's my packpack?" (for some reason all my kids call a backpack that). Once that was on her back she said, "Bye momma". And she was ready to go in. I wanted pictures though so I asked if Icould go with her. She said ok. So grown up!

My camera batteries were dead ... how do I have such bad luck ... but fortunately, Michelle was there with her camera again! So these are the pics she took for me. What a sweet little girl! (Yes, this is the dress that matches the one Tay wore on her first day! Tay picked this dress out at the store and insisted Jess have one to match ... so when it came time to pick out an outfit for Jessica's first day of school, Taylor helped her choose this!)

Me and my baby! : )

When we got inside, Jessica started to play a little shy ... when it came time for the next picture, she suddenly wasn't so sure. But she posed with her teacher, "Miss Suzee" although made some faces about it. After the picture, I suggested she head downstairs to the classroom and she looked at me like I was nuts. Our neighbor, Tess, was standing there so I suggested they hold hands and go together and Jessica liked that idea. She smiled big and took Tess's hand like she was being the big girl and down the stairs they went. : ) So, what did I do with my first 2 hours of "all-my-kids-in-school-time"? I went to the dentist - finally after postponing 3 times! And I didn't get back in time to pick her up from preschool! AGHH! It was supposed to be a one hour thing, but took over an hour and a half. What a morning. Fortunately, again, I have great neigbors - one that rallied and picked her up for me, and Michelle thought to take pictures after her first day too! So, here is Jessica with Tess.

Her class is filled with friends. When I signed her up for the class, I didn't know who else was in it but knew that a lot of kids in the neighborhood had been to this class in the past. Turns out, she has 3 friends from our block (and there are only 12 houses on our block) in her class and 2 other friends, plus some others she at least recognizes. There are only about 14 kids in the class and I think I know parents of 9 of them. Kind of nice! This is some of the kids she knows!

She was really proud of the hat she colored - even if the only color was red and it was all on the headband! She had a lot of fun and got up this morning asking if she got to go again today. Nope, not today, but tomorrow!! Hmmmm... what will I do with my free time?!

BIG BUSINESS NEWS!!

Well, I can now share what has been happening for Steve's business!! audioShare (Steve's company) has signed a letter of intent with RBH Sound (a well known and respected speaker company throughout the world)! RBH will be the exclusive distributor of audioShare products. They have an established distribution channel that they will utilize and a lot of marketing and sales power that they will also use. So, audioShare will continue to design and manufacture the product but RBH will license and brand audioShare as their own product and do all the marketing and distributing. They will have minimum quantities that they must purchase. Its big news, very exciting and has happened rather quickly. It was announced this past week at CEDIA, which is the biggest tradeshow for this industry. Anyway, its great for Steve and his partners and their 8 years of work can now really start to pay off.

Side note, one of Steve's parnters sustained a head injury a week ago yesterday while being a good samaritan. He is now recovering ata home after emergency brain surgery and has 33 staples in his head but doing very well. He and his family are in our heart and prayers during this time!

PREschool for Jessica

Jessica is so excited to start PREschool. She asks me every day if she gets to go today. Her preschool FINALLY starts on Tuesday of this coming week but we got to meet her teacher, Miss Suzee last Thursday. Jessica is quite excited but wouldn't count for her! She did, however, recognize her colors and shapes and paint a bee bright yellow. She is 100% ready to go! She doesn't like it when you call it school though ... she emphasizes the fact that it is PREschool. I don't think she really gets the difference but she knows hers is different than her sisters and she thinks its cool.

Someone please help me!

My 8 year old came downstairs this morning, dressed in a "costume" for her dance that she has created for us. Using pieces of dance costumes and dress up clothes (that are much too small for her) she created THIS ...

Move over rockstars, Watch out world, - here comes Alyssa! SOMEONE HELP ME!!! Can you imagine her as a teenager? And you should see some of the dance moves she makes up ... A week or so ago, she had cranked the music up in my van so she could dance in the yard with her friend. My friend, Lisa, told me I was hating it when she gets to be a teenager. I told her I hope she is in the young woman's program at church when my daughter is a teenager so she gets to deal with her too. : ) Steve still says he's excited for teenagers! Me, I'm not so sure.