I have learned that I am a person often paralyzed by the fear of "what if" and fear of failing. But I have also learned that fear is not a positive motivator and it is NOT how I want to live. I want to live my life with joy and passion for good. I want to live my life by choice and experiencing all that life has to offer.
One of those fears that has held me back is water. I have watched my friends for years playing in the water - pool parties, swimming, playing in the waves at the beach, water skiing/surfing/wake boarding, tubing. I've been jealous of how much fun they are having and how left out I felt. I took swim lessons in college to try to learn ... and I learned the strokes, even got a B or so, but not how to feel comfortable in the water.
Toward the end of an afternoon of boating, a good friend encouraged me to give it a try. I thought I'd give it a shot. But by the time I got the boots on and started to get in the water, I was so anxious and nervous. It took me several moments to even slip into the water and only with the coaxing of our good friend. He promised me I'd be ok. But before the boat even pulled the rope tight, I wasn't ok. I was in a panic attack, struggling to even breath and tears streaming down my face. I let go and by the time the boat got back to pick me up, I knew I was done for that try. But, that friend promised me that someday he'd get me skiing. The experience had a huge impact on me. I realized that I could possibly pass my fear on to my kids. And that gave me every reason to fight my fear, to overcome it and not to just tolerate water, but to learn to love it.
So at every chance, I spend time in a boat, or in a pool. I've put my kids in swim lessons and even swim team when they wanted to. I've talked about my fear with my kids and told them how much it frustrates me and how left out I sometimes feel because of it. I've told them I want more for them. I challenge them to try things in the water and when I get the chance, I try to prep myself emotionally for trying too. I've tried skiing or wakeboarding at least once each summer when we are camping/boating with friends. I've gotten in the water, even when I don't want to and this past fall, I had the opportunity to try surfing behind a boat on a rather quiet area of Lake Powell. As I got in the water, another good friend must have recognized how intense my fear was and offered to be in the water with me to stabilize me, keep me calm and helped me get on the board. With his help, I was able to stand up on the board and even surf for a few minutes. It was one of the best moments of my life. The triumph I felt was amazing.
I knew I wanted to continue overcoming my fear, so when Steve talked about going scuba diving with some co-workers, I agreed.... not sure how I'd do it, but in a way thinking it might be easier for me because I have the air with me at all times. The opportunity came and I said ok. He brought home the books to start studying for the written tests and I felt the anxiety heat up. I read every word of the darn book and made sure the "knowledge" was all there. I aced the test - missing only one or two questions which the teacher said was impressive. We scheduled our first pool dive and the day was NOT going well. But the day turned out well and the dives actually were good. I enjoyed it and again felt that feeling of triumph! Had a few hangups, it wasn't easy, but I kept telling myself that letting fear win was not an option. I completed certification and am excited to go diving in a few weeks. We'll be doing 3 or 4 dives including some additional certification. I'm really excited and looking forward to it.
I guess the moral of the story, recognize what holds you back in life and find a way to rise above. For me it was water, but it was also letting others know how scared I was. I'm so grateful I let myself be vulnerable and let friends in to understand how important it was to me. And I'm grateful my friends were there to support me and cheer me on. I'm writing this post mostly for myself, so I always remember that fear and even more so the triumph! But I'm also writing this to challenge you to rise above. And I'm writing this to offer my support like my friends offered to me!
