Some thoughts...

Its been almost a year since I've really blogged much and even longer since I was consistent.  I'm not committing to changing that now, but I couldn't sleep tonight and wanted to share my feelings.  My blog has always been more of a journal for me than for anything else.  So tonight as I can't sleep, I felt the desire to blog.

A friend, neighbor and member of our church said a final goodbye at 12:01 am Sunday morning (just over 24 hours ago).  James Cordova was diagnosed exactly 60 days before his death with neuro-endocrine cancer - a large cell version that was exremely fast moving.  It was stage 4 and determined to be terminal almost immediately.  This has weighed so heavily on my heart since I found out about it and yet despite the heartache and my tears that have come every time I drive by their house or check for updates on Facebook or think about the situation, I feel so fortunate and blessed to be part of this situation. 

James told us from the very beginning that this was a journey with cancer and that anyone who chose to be positive and have faith was welcome to join him and his family on this journey.  He chose to fight, including 2 rounds of chemo, and lived his life to the fullest during his journey.  He spent his time the best he could - and no doubt cherished every waking moment.  He had a positive attitude, but he also repeatedly shared his faith that if he was called home it would be to the open arms of our Father in Heaven.

For those of you who don't know James and his family, let me paint this picture. James age 41, a very healthy, active, fit man.  James, a husband, one of those sweet husbands that when you watch him with his wife you have no doubt she is the love of his life, truly his other half. James, the father of 3 children who are between the ages of 4 & 10, and who has said many times that his greatest joy is his children, that he was sent to earth for the purpose of being a dad and when you see him at school eating lunch with his children, or watching them during a school program or if you are fortunate enough to watch him, play in the yard with them, you know he is complete because he is a dad. You know he lived to love and be with his family. James, a friend, the kind that when he smiled or laughed lifts and lightens the trials, struggles or worries of those around him. The kind of friend who hears your heart. The kind of friend who is at ease with anyone and who I treasure memories of parties, group dates out to dinner, double dates with movies or ABBA videos at our house after. But he is more. James, an example and light to others, he is a witness and disciple of our Savior Jesus Christ. He has faced this last 60 days with faith and gratitude for our Savior and those around him who have prayed and tried to lighten his burden in small ways. He had joy, even in the face of death, at the love he felt and the opportunity to return home to our Father above.

As I watched his journey, I was constantly reminded to count my blessings, to treasure the little moments, to love more and stress less, To serve others, to value whats important, to live my life the way I know I should and to have faith in all that I do and be a good person. I am honored to have known James these past years and to be blessed by his example. He testified of our Savior and Father in Heaven and I believe he was welcomed with open arms on the other side. I am grateful and lifted by his testimony and strength.


My heart breaks for his family who will miss him more then words can express but I know God will be with them and with all of us until we meet again. I know his example and testimony will lift many.  My heart is full of gratitude for my blessings and the many things, experiences and people in my life. I am grateful to feel my Saviors love, forgiveness, grace and strength in my life. I know it is important to live my life with faith and to be a good, kind, honest hard working person who always seeks to make the lives of others better.


16 days before his death, on a Friday night, Steve and I stood in his bedroom and talked to James for just a few brief moments.  It was my last personal contact with James and I will treasure it.  It tore at my heart to see him lying in bed hardly able to stay awake and put thoughts together.  As he drifted in and out of sleep, he did manage to share his gratitude and love for the people who had done so much for him and his family during his journey.  His smile lifted me as he joked and even laughed about sushi and how much he hated it.  At one point he lifted his arm and I was shocked to see how thin and frail he had become.  The next day he would go on hospice.  And then on Sunday, he was invited to share his testimony,  I was shocked to see him walk to the pulpit from the congregation where he had been sitting with his family and then unassisted, stand and speak with no notes about his journey, his love for his wife, family and neighbors and especially his love for our Savior.  Then with a simple, pure, unrehearsed voice he sung his favorite song, I am a Child of God.  He expressed a desire for each of us to learn and grow from his journey and to always remember the lessons we learned and let them change our lives for the better forever. 
So often we do not get  a chance to say the things we should and say final goodbyes to people who leave this world.  We keep those words back for another day and yet, another day may not come.  So, today, since I got to say goodbye to James and tell him how much we loved him, I want to say it to all my family and friends.  I love each of you so very much!  My childhood friends from Lompoc, my teenage friends in NC, my mentors and leaders (& parents of my friends), my college friends at BYU, my past co-workers, my neighbors and friends, my MKVO clients, my fRamily (no typo on that word), and all those whose paths have crossed mine, and especially my extended and immediate family. I am grateful for each of you in my life!
As a kid I was strong willed, determined and probably a little too willing to be the center of attention. As a teen, I became cynnical, judgemental, developed a negative attitude and built many walls. I was not my best self during those years. As an adult, I finally recognize I have not always been the friend and person I should have been. I was not always kind and forgiving and I did not always live my life with a Christ-like attitude. I am often still that cynnical girl I became as a teen, with walls built to hid me and protect me, and I am still far from the person I want to be, but I'm working on it each day. I'm doing my best and because of people like James and his journey with cancer, I learn and recommit myself to being better.  I offer apologies for not being a better example and friend and for being less than my best.

As a result of James' journey, I am committed to counting my blessings more often and taking more time with my girls. I am recognizing the tender mercies of the Lord including those little things that happen in life that at the time, don't seem to matter or make sense, but make a big difference down the road. I am focusing on the good that has come from my burdens and trials. I am working to learn lessons from my errors in judgement, times of weakness, and flat out bad choices. I am letting others lift me up and in turn, trying to do the same rather than tearing others down. I am letting go of petty grievances and differences and offering my apologies to those I have offended, let down or hurt. I am loving more and stressing less. I am being a better me.


I want to also say thank you to my ward (church congregation) for their example and kindness.  Though members of our church are not perfect and we make many mistakes including comparing ourselves to each other and even being judgemental of others, I need the support, love and strength of my ward ":family"and the weekly opportunity to meet together and worship our Savior. As I watch this family in our ward go through one of lifes greatest trials, the death of a loved one, I am lifted by the love and service I see happening, people serving becauase they love and because they are genuinely good people trying to do good.  I hope I can always serve others (regardless of faith) the way I've seen our ward serve this family (and others through the years).  I know that God lives and loves us. I know Jesus Christ, my savior, suffered and died for me, for my mistakes and sins and also for my sorrows and heartaches and when I do my best to live the gospel of Jesus Christ I know he lifts me, lightens my load and carries me.