Thinking back ...

Ok ... another long introspective entry ... chalk this one up mostly for my journal. Sorry to be gone from blogging for so long and then post such a weird entry.

A few days ago, I found a friend on facebook ... a friend from Lompoc, someone I grew up with. We went to church together and hung out a lot the last year I lived there. It brought back a lot of memories for me and I had to laugh and cry a bit too. I love to reminisce but this one caused some deep thinking for me.

One of my favorite things to do is think back a week ago, a month ago, 6 months ago, a year ago, 5 years ago, 10 years ago and now even 15 and 20 years ago ... what was I doing then? Where was I? Who were my friends? What did I like to do? Who was I? And when I found this friend and was thinking back to how long ago since we really hung out together, I realized that its been right about 20 years ago this month since my parents announced we were definitely moving to North Carolina, changing my world forever! News of a cross country move is life altering for any 12 year old but it really shattered my world. My parents had lived in our house in Lompoc for 20 years. It was the only home me sisters, brother and I knew. My sisters and brothers had all gone to the same middle and high school and I was expecting to follow in their steps ... have the same teachers that they had. My sisters had already graduated, and one was married. My brother was a senior and would still get to graduate in Lompoc. But not me. I would be the only one to go to new schools. I was 12 and in 7th grade. I had already dealt with "losing" several friends because some of my best friends from elementary school had moved (their dad's were in the Air Force). But the idea of leaving ALL my friends behind, was just more than I wanted to accept. So, what did I do? I developed a bad attitude and started building walls. Moving not only changed my surroundings, it caused me to change who I was.

I moved to North Carolina with a chip on my shoulder and a seriously bad attitude. It is one of my biggest regrets in life. I've spent years trying to tear down the walls I built during that time and trying to be the person I should have been. To those I left behind in Lompoc, I say thank you for standing by me and still believing in me. To those who were around me in NC and didn't get to really know me (which is MOST people), I say, I'm sorry. Sorry for not letting you in. Sorry for not being a nicer person. Sorry for not being the person and friend I should have been. Sorry for all the memories we didn't have. To those who did manage to get past my "walls" and bad attitude in NC, I say THANK YOU for caring about me and making me a part of your life. Thanks for putting up with me and being my friend. To those in my life since I left NC, I hope you get to see the person I want to be. I hope you see the person who would do anything for her friends and not the bitter, frustrated, insecure girl I was as a teenager. To those who are back in my life from my past, I hope you will get to know the person I am constantly trying to be and not hold my past against me.

Brushes with fame!

In Steve's current job, he meets with and does presentations with a lot of intersting people. CIA, FBI, Army, animators, and the list goes on... but today was my favorite. Check it out!

This was taken this afternoon in Steve's office in Orem! :)

In case you are unsure who this is with Steve ... compare it to this one I borrowed from Wikipedia.

Its Kurt Russell, actor in such films The Thing, Escape from New York, Silkwood, Stargate, Backdraft, Tombstone, Vanilla Sky, and Grindhouse.

Steve and Kurt sat beside at Steve's desk with him for about an hour and a half. He was very down to earth. Steve showed him the technology they are working on and then they began to play with it. Kurt would tell Steve to make it do something and Kurt would just double over in laughter. Steve has a bowl of pistachios on his desk - he munches on them while he works. Kurt munched on some too! Kurt flew in today in his plane (he's a pilot). He's hanging out with a friend (the one who connected Steve's company and Kurt) and one of Steve's co-workers the rest of the day and then flying home tonight. Kurt was very excited about the technology ... we'll see where it goes from here.

Some thoughts from me...

If you have stumbled across this post, I actually wrote this when I realized that it had been 20 years since we found out we were moving to NC. But it is pretty personal so I didn't post it right away. I am only posting it now for my own purposes, to save my thoughts. Originally, I backdated this to December so that few people would notice it. Later I changed the date back to February so that it is more in place with where it belongs in my "journaling". You are welcome to read it. But please know these are some of my very personal thoughts and feelings.

With all that said, here are my thoughts as I thought of 20, 15, 10, 5, and 1 years ago and now! Here's who I was and who I am and what matters most to me!

20 years ago: I was in 7th grade at Lompoc Valley Middle School! I had amazing friends at both school and church (most of which went to the other middle school). I hung out with my church friends almost every weekend. There was a group of about 10 or 12 of us (girls and guys). We played games, watched movies, and just had fun together! Although I had known many of my church friends the better part of my life, I had really gotten close to them in the last year. Most of my school friends were part of the "smart kids" at school but I got along with others that I had PE or elective classes with. I guess you'd say I was one of the "nerds," all honors/advanced classes and many of my friends were in all of those classes, but I didn't feel like I was nerdy or labeled that way. In 7th grade, I still kept in touch with a few of my elementary school friends that had gone to the other middle school, but most had moved so it was through letters. My friends at school were a mixture of kids I had gone to K-3 with, 4-5 with and some I had met in middle school. I really respected my friends. For the most part, they were good to me and we were good to each other. I've gotten back in touch with several of them recently but have always kept in touch with a couple of them too. I loved sports, especially running. I considered myself pretty fast and was typically one of the faster girls in my grade. I twirled baton. I had a paper route. I played the flute. I felt like even though I wasn't one of the "most popular" group, I was well liked and accepted by most people who I interacted with. My circle of friends was pretty big and I got along well with both the girls and guys. I was strong willed and confident in myself and my abilities and talents. I trusted my friends. I relied on them! My best friends were Jeanette and Jamin with lots of other friends being very important to me too.

15 years ago: I was a senior in high school at Western Alamance High School. I worked at Glen Raven Mills in their accounting office every day after school. I had never played sports in North Carolina and when I did play in PE I had ankle problems. I had quit baton. I had quit band. I was still one of the "smart" kids taking all honors/advanced classes. At school, I definitely felt labeled as one of the "nerds". I didn't feel accepted by most of my classmates. I had a small circle of good friends, mostly girls. I rarely had guy friends that I hung out with outside of school - especially not ones that I thought truly cared about me EXCEPT one very close friend. And it was even more rare that I date a guy at my school. I never really felt most of them gave me a 2nd look much less were interested. I wasn't dating anyone at this point 15 years ago. I had built walls and mostly showed others my attitude. I was very insecure and probably overall, unhappy with who I was. I still had some great times though and like I said, have some great friends from that time that I am forever grateful to. I was a letter-writer, kept in touch with many of my friends from Lompoc. I'm really not sure what I "liked" at the time as I didn't have many social outlets. I worked a lot and hung out with my close friends the rest of the time. I felt lost in the crowds (which is odd because it was a small school) most of the time. I felt judged and like I just never really fit in. Outside of school, I had developed a really great circle of friends in Chapel Hill and they were great. I loved spending time with them and did as often as my parents let me commute. I didn't feel like they judged me. I wasn't close to many of my friends at church by this point ... I had made most of them mad at me or pushed them away. My best friends that year were Janis, Mike, and Ciria.

10 years ago: I was happily married to my best friend! I had gradauted from college. We didn't have a lot of money, we were getting by and hoping to build a house. We owned our townhome but spent a lot of our free time looking at models and homes under construction. We had no kids, but wanted them. We loved watching movies and hanging out with our friends. Steve was building my confidence and strength again but deep in my heart, I didn't believe in myself. About this time I worked at Novell and was also a Mary Kay consultant. I had goals and dreams but wasn't always willing to work toward them for fear of failing.

5 years ago: I was beginning to find myself after having our 2nd child. We had moved into our home. I was working part-time at JC Penney's accounting center. I felt pretty isolated as most of my friends didn't work, but I did. Looking back, I probably had some post partum depression but didn't know it then. I was still pretty difficult to get along with, especially at work where I had once again built walls and showed mostly my attitude of frustation. There were a few people I had let in and who I knew believed in me but mostly I looked forward to the day when I could quit. Steve and I were both working and going full speed or more. He worked full-time and ran his business at night and rarely stopped. He was starting to be burned out and often didn't stop to communicate with me. It frustrated me, but I just believed it was his personality. I felt very disconnected from MOST of my neighbors and friends. I've told many of them this, but I felt like most of my friendships were "shallow" (not the people, but the relationship between us). I felt like if we moved or even if Steve stopped hanging out with their husbands, most of them wouldn't really miss us or make any attempt to keep in touch. I had only a couple of friends that I thought really cared about me. Tough time in my life!!

3 1/2 years ago: Add a 3rd child, and a SEVERE case of post-partum, that very few people knew about. And I hit bottom. I stopped talking to all of my friends if I could avoid them. I had also quit my job, leaving me feeling more isolated and less useful than ever before. I thrive on being challenged mentally and although being a mom is challenging in its own way, it doesn't challenge my brain or offer the same kind of rewards and recognition that doing a good job at work had sometimes given. At this point, I started my own business but wasn't seeing the full rewards yet. I let very few people in, but felt that very few cared and that was why they weren't more in my life.

1 year ago: I'm now a stay at home mom, running my own business. I have 3 kids and life is good! I realized how blessed I truly am. I realized a lot about myself and really started to get my act together. I had my business running pretty smoothly and was happy with it. We have a great life at this point. Steve still doesn't really talk much and is still going at 100+ miles an hour all the time. He's worn out and stressed and that makes me sad. But we have our date nights, which keep us both going. He's good to me and helps around the house. I've realized my friends are true friends and feel grateful for the things we do with each other and for each other. I love to scrapbook and watch movies with Steve. I also love games that make me think. When I look back, this was a point in time when I often said, I'm blessed, really blessed. My parents and sister are close now and life is just good.

Now: The last 6 months have been tough, really tough. But at the same time, very promising. I love my life! I now believe I am a stronger, better person now than I have been in a very long time. I believe I have a lot to offer. I rely on Steve and he relies on me. He's my best friend and the best thing in my life! He builds me up constantly. He forgives me and loves me with all his heart. I love him dearly. My girls amaze me. They challenge me. They make me smile. They teach me. I'm thankful for all of my family. And if I haven't said it recently, I am grateful for all of my great friends in the neighborhood, locally and all over the US. I love you guys! And if you made it this far on this post ... you know you are one of my great friends - this thing is long!!! Thanks for making a difference in my life! Thanks for helping me be a better person. Thanks for believing in me. Thanks for everything!

From Phoenix!

Hi all - I'm in Phoenix right now - day 4 of our 8 day expo! Its been very busy for the most part. We have very slow times too, but its been good. I've added quite a few new clients and I'm excited for what is to come! There are 3 groups that come in. The first is now gone and the 2nd is just arriving. The 3rd group comes on Saturday ... so we'll see how it all goes. Overall, its been a good experience so far ... getting my name out there and handing out lots of brochures/biz cards. But my favorite thing has been meeting my clients. Some of these ladies I've worked for for over 3 years and have never met. I've worked with them through hardships like cancer, losing family members, moving, divorces, and more and I've worked with them through blessings like marriages and babies, and successes and trials in their businesses too.l So now, I get to put a name and face together, and that is really fun and makes this really worthwhile for me. I expect to add most of my new clients AFTER I get home ... so that is when we will see how it all turns out! Will I go to the same conference next year?? Its in San Diego next January. That's the million dollar question for me right now... Will I go??? I'll post pictures of my at my booth tomorrow. I don't have the camera with me right now.

Not caught up yet ...

I'm not caught up but I'm working on it. I wanted you to know a bit about why I'm not caught up! Its a long wordy entry, so probably mostly for my journal than anything, but thought I'd share. First here are entries still to come:

• Christmas afternoon at my parents
• Christmas night with Steve's family
• An afternoon with Nyla and Biff
• Hanging out with the Lindseys
• Alyssa's EARS!
• My JAZZ Beat Drummer

And here is why I'm not caught up yet! I'm working like crazy right now on my business. If you don't know what I do, I run a virtual office business for Mary Kay Sales Directors. Directors are the women who train consultants. Most of them drive free cars - all pink Cadillacs are driven by directors or National Sales Directors (but not all directors have reached pink Cadillac level). Anyway, they hire my business to do letters, postcards, newsletters, websites, emails etc for their consultants plus some other stuff. I love what I do because directors are typically very positive, upbeat people. I enjoy watching them work toward goals and succeed. I love the challenge of trying to think of new ways to do things and balance all of that with meeting their needs and being a mom too. I do all of this out of my office. On a normal month, I mail between 3,000 and 4,000 postcards, 300-500 letters plus my staff maintains 20-25 websites and designs 20-25 newsletters and sends TONS of emails. I really enjoy it. Karianna (that I mention on my blog a lot) is my office assistant/house assistant/ babysitter. She's my personal assistant and I am so grateful to have her. She is a high school senior so she works 4 afternoons a week plus babysits one weekend night so that Steve and I can have our date night. My girls ADORE her and she ADORES them. Its basically a perfect situation.

Anyway, I started feeling a little bored with my business about a year ago (I've had it for almost 4 years now although I've done parts of it for closer to 7 years). I wasn't feeling the challenge that I originally loved. I wanted to change things up a bit. I felt like I was ready to REALLY grow. For the last 6-8 months I've bounced between 55 and 69 clients. So, how do I make it grow. Almost all of my business comes from word of mouth. And when I tried mailers 2 years ago ... it did NOTHING for me. So, how to grow???

Steve and I made a decision about 5 months ago for me to go to Mary Kay's Leadersihp Conference and have a booth at the Expo - the perfect way to help me grow. The Leadership Conference is for Directors and National Sales Directors only so everyone there is a potential client. I'm estimating 8,000+ women over 8 days will come through the expo. The Conference rotates around the country and this year it is in Phoenix which works well because I can drive there (instead of having to fly, rent a car and ship all my stuff) AND I can stay with Steve's sister and not have to worry about a hotel. BIG SAVINGS!

Its been a wild ride deciding to do this. Its a big investment and I'm still feeling like its pretty risky. But Steve supported it, so I made the arrangements and put money down on my booth ... just in time for Steve's company to stop paying them. I talked about backing out because its costing me a lot to go but, Steve supported me and said no. He really wants me to feel successful and enjoy my business and he knew this is the next step I need to take to try to make that happen.

I was really scared because of the money. I prayed that things would work out and that this big investment would all be ok. A few days before the final payment was due, one of my clients cancelled her services. She also happens to be the wife of the man who owns the Expo company. He called me the same day and asked if we could work a deal. He didn't want her to cancel my services so ... could I just continue working for her to pay off the rest of my booth? I jumped at the chance - yippee! Essentially, I will work for her for 10 months without her paying me - so that's like me paying for my booth over the next 10 months with no interest! How could I refuse? I cried because it just seemed so perfect. I emailed her and thanked her ... and she replied that she knew nothing about it and thanked me and her husband for it. What a blessing for both of us!

Anyway, so now we move forward a few months. We are in the final 8 days before I leave ... we are busier than ever! On a whim, in December, I decided to survey my customers and see what they like and don't like. I discovered that most were dissatisfied with the print quality... I guess they were smearing in the mailing process!! AGH! I had no idea. So, I scrambled, got bids from professional print shops for printing and mailing and finally found a print shop to at least do the printing for me instead of printing it myself. We'll still print the address side right now. Anyway, I sent off orders for almost 7,000 postcards on Monday of this week! Samples for the booth and enough for our mailings this month. I pick up the first batch of them today!! So, that has kept me really busy. Then you throw in, having our logo, booth and biz card designed and getting all that printed! We are getting a new payment system set up which is taking more time than I expected. We are getting forms for new clients and all kinds of other paperwork ready for the expo. We've scheduled everything we need for the expo - power, phone line, internet, rented a booth etc. Plus its the beginning of the year so we're creating receipts for all our clients for 2008 and dealing with any unresolved payments. As if that's not all enough to keep me busy ... I opted to sell an item at my booth as a way to bring people in. I chose a product called iRagz (http://www.iragz.com/). My neighbor started iRagz and this will be a good way to get his name out there. If you haven't heard of iRagz, they are cool. They are a cloth designed for cleaning your iPod, cell phones, computer screens, glasses, cameras, etc ... things that have lenses or screens that get dirty but scratch easily. They have cool designs on them so they aren't the blah brown or gray that you buy at a store and they go in this little plastic envelope. I keep one in my purse and my desk for my phone and computer. Anyway, we custom designed a bright pink iRagz with crowns, dollar signs and sparkles just for Mary Kay consultants and directors. Those are supposed to arrive from China today or tomorrow. What a week!!

We leave a week from tomorrow so I'm a little high stressed. But, I'm also very grateful for how things have worked out. Every time a problem comes up, something works out better than the original plan. And I've had amazing people to help me with all of this ... Steve has been so supportive and helpful! He's done so much for me! Karianna has rallied and been even GREATER than normal. I'm so grateful she's my assistant! A friend who is a graphic designer (but now a stay-at-home-mom) has done my design work and I'm SOOOO grateful to her! She's been amazing and I can't wait to post pictures of my finished booth! Here's my cool logo though! Thanks Tosha! This means SOOO much to me! And thanks to my parents and sister for being so patient with me when I get so stressed! And to my girls for just being my girls and loving me even when I'm working!

Wish me luck and keep me in your prayers that all this goes well. My goal is to double my current business. I can't add many more than that for newsletters and websites - don't have the staff in place. But I can add TONS of clients for the mailing services. So my dream is to add 100 clients for February and then add another 100 for March (I won't add more than 100 in one month). Here's dreaming!

Ta Da ... Christmas Morning!

Christmas morning, the girls snuck into our room and asked if it was time yet. Steve and I slowly drug ourselves out of bed. We do Christmas in our basement, in the game room. We put a tree down there just so Santa can visit and the girls can't see the tree and what's around it until we unlock the door to the basement. So ... here it is...

The girls waiting by the door for Steve to get ahead of us with the video camera.

The tree and the presents around it ... don't mind the fact that the tree has NO ornaments. I just didn't get it done this year ... oops! But remember, the tree upstairs in the living room is full decorated!

The girls dove into their stockings first - totally left the presents alone.

The girls all got a small set of Princess Polly Pockets! The little girls each got a set of markers! They love to color with markers! Alyssa discovered earrings ... for pierced ears! "Mom, does this mean I'm getting my ears pierced?" :)

And the presents began!

Alyssa got more earrings - Green M&M ones from mom and dad ... "this must mean I'm really getting my ears pierced!"

Taylor has already opened and is wearing her dress up earrings that came with her dress up clothes! She's almost as happy as can be. But she got happier whens he opened the Barbie Diamond Castle Carriage that plays music! That was her one thing she REALLY wanted! She also got a baby doll and dress up clothes plus some Barbies. By the way, yes, Taylor is the only one of the girls dressed - her choice. She didn't want to wear her pajamas anymore so she got on her typical outfit, a skirt, some tights and a shirt! Always a skirt!

Alyssa's guess ... a keyboard! Nope, its a pogo stick! She also got a MyMeeba which she really wanted and an art kit with lots of things to do - one a lot like the one she had seen me buy for her cousin Sarah. Alyssa LOVES art and creating. Her art kit also had a drawing book in it.

Jess in her new dress up shoes!

The main thing Jessica wanted was this big set of 5 Princesses (Polly Pockets). She was so excited. She tore right into them, and this is where she spent a big chunk of the morning. She also got a baby doll stroller, crib etc and some Barbies.

Steve in his Japanese robe to keep him warm. He has just opened a jewelry box that contained the top of a cymbal stand and a note that says its ready for his next gig! A little treasure hunt from me because wrapping cymbals STINKS! He got a new cymbal and I had it hidden in his cymbal bag in his music room! The next package was a box of some of the parts for his new F-15 remote controlled jet and a note telling him where it was hidden too! He loved it! Can't wait for the weather to cooperate for him to fly it ... but he's a bit nervous. Its a tough plane to fly (or so we've been told) and its FAST and expensive so if it crashes ... hmmmmmm... the joys of expensive toys! I think he'll do well though. They say the hard part is landing, and he's got that down REALLY well with his other plane. And its no good hanging downstairs. Let's see it in the air!

The aftermath ... what chaos. I'm just sitting down to clear a spot for me to open my presents. Steve took video of me opening my presents but no pictures. He gave me a new tiny laptop for Christmas - LOVE it ... it almost fits in my purse! But he really surprised me with a white gold and diamond necklace. I love you Steve! It was a great Christmas! The girls gave me a pack of gum (which Alyssa bought with her own money!) and new earphones and a armband to hold my iPod when I work out!

Finally ... Christmas Eve!

WARNING ... Lots of Pictures! :)

My sister Nyla and her husband Biff came from Texas this year for Christmas. So, we spent the better part of Christmas Eve with my family at my parents house. The girls and I went over in the morning to hang out for a bit. Then I left them and did some last minute shopping (being out of town for 5 days right before Christmas meant I hadn't gotten the little things done or had a chance to buy the food). Then Steve and I went back over for a big family dinner on Christmas Eve. It was GREAT! THANKS MOM!! AND RON! Ron deep fries a turkey for us - which we love! Got to find entertainment any way you can, right? Steve teases the girls a lot! Taylor's upside down this time!

Jessica gets a piggy back ride from Glen! Ronnie and Alyssa ... wondering about the presents and maybe playing with the train under the tree! Grandpa has a really nice train that goes around the tree! Its a Thomas Kincade train. All of us love it.

Traditions in my family ...

... a new ornament every year for every member of our family. If you've seen my tree or pictures of my tree in my living room, it is covered with misc ornaments. There is a mouse in a thimble from when I was 1 year old and a strawberry shortcake from when I was about 8. One from almost every year of my life is on that tree, plus one or more for Steve every year since we've been married and the girls since they arrived. One from a secret santa in 4th grade and one from my best friend in 6th grade and one from a co-worker at Glen Raven Mills when I worked there in high school. Some that I made as a child with my family or at school. And now, the girls make ornaments at school, home or other places and those join the collection too. It makes decorating the tree really special to me because its my memories.

... for as long as I can remember, we always opened one present on Christmas Eve. It was ALWAYS pajamas except one year in high school we had my mom's brother and his family there so she gave us all really cool Santa mugs instead. That tradition carries on again now that my parents are close to two of us. Normally after we open pajamas, we all put them on and listen to my dad read the Christmas story out of the Bible. We didn't listen to the Christmas story this year ... not sure why, but I missed it. We were probably busy getting ready to leave to go look at lights and just forgot until after we were gone. Sorry dad. It means a lot to me and I'm sorry we didn't get to do that this year. The kids did all get in their pajamas for a group picture of the 6 grandkids who live here.

Meghan and Jess waiting for present time.

My parents watch as everyone opens their present.

The group shot of grandkids in the pajamas. Taylor, Alyssa, Ronnie in the back row, Meghan, Jess and Glen in the front. Notice all the polka dots (Tay's are polka dot too!). Meghan loves polka dots and it has spread to my little girls too! What's the book ... "I belong in the zoo." Time for hugs and good nights with Merry Christmas wishes for all!

My parents with Taylor. Alyssa and Glen with Nyla.

LaNae with Jess and Taylor (and Tay is smiling!). Nyla with Taylor (and Tay is smiling AGAIN!)

Nyla with Jess.

Steve often lays down for a nap at my parents' house. Alyssa decided to snuggle with him. He's staying still to make it look like a candid picture ... but Alyssa is grinning for the camera!

Home Again ...

So this is old ... but when we got home from Vegas before Christmas, this is what we came home to! I actually got stuck in the street in front of Karianna's house and had to be pushed almost all the way to her corner because her street hadn't been plowed. It was CRAZY. I'm glad we weren't home when most of this fell - especially when they had to close Hwy 92 which is the one I was stuck on back in February due to white out conditions.

This is the most snow we've had during the holidays. I've never had to DIG out the presents under the trees out front. I think I pulled them up to the top about 4 times this year and they are buried again now. At one point they were so far buried I couldn't even find some of them when the lights were on. I'm sure the night I was trying to get them out of the snow the people watching our lights probably thought I was pretty funny. I'd stand and watch the area I thought they were in until I saw a flicker of lights under the snow and then I'd jump and grab the present quick before the light went out and I couldn't find it. I'd pull them up above the snow and then watch for the next one. Our poor blowups were hopeless ... the snow just kept weighing them down. Oh well. It will probably be March before we can even find them to put them away.

Steve said I'm not shoveling all that snow, so he went out and bought a snow blower a couple days after Christmas - had to put his name on a wait list because all 40 that Lowe's had THAT WEEK were gone! Guess he wasn't the only one out buying a snow blower! (this is actually our neighbor's snowblower but its exactly like ours ... he borrowed theirs to clear things before ours arrived). He loves this thing and gets up early to clear the driveway!

I like it too! I've used it a couple of times and its kind of fun! Not as good of a workout as shoveling, but that's ok.