Ok ... another long introspective entry ... chalk this one up mostly for my journal. Sorry to be gone from blogging for so long and then post such a weird entry.
A few days ago, I found a friend on facebook ... a friend from Lompoc, someone I grew up with. We went to church together and hung out a lot the last year I lived there. It brought back a lot of memories for me and I had to laugh and cry a bit too. I love to reminisce but this one caused some deep thinking for me.
One of my favorite things to do is think back a week ago, a month ago, 6 months ago, a year ago, 5 years ago, 10 years ago and now even 15 and 20 years ago ... what was I doing then? Where was I? Who were my friends? What did I like to do? Who was I? And when I found this friend and was thinking back to how long ago since we really hung out together, I realized that its been right about 20 years ago this month since my parents announced we were definitely moving to North Carolina, changing my world forever! News of a cross country move is life altering for any 12 year old but it really shattered my world. My parents had lived in our house in Lompoc for 20 years. It was the only home me sisters, brother and I knew. My sisters and brothers had all gone to the same middle and high school and I was expecting to follow in their steps ... have the same teachers that they had. My sisters had already graduated, and one was married. My brother was a senior and would still get to graduate in Lompoc. But not me. I would be the only one to go to new schools. I was 12 and in 7th grade. I had already dealt with "losing" several friends because some of my best friends from elementary school had moved (their dad's were in the Air Force). But the idea of leaving ALL my friends behind, was just more than I wanted to accept. So, what did I do? I developed a bad attitude and started building walls. Moving not only changed my surroundings, it caused me to change who I was.
I moved to North Carolina with a chip on my shoulder and a seriously bad attitude. It is one of my biggest regrets in life. I've spent years trying to tear down the walls I built during that time and trying to be the person I should have been. To those I left behind in Lompoc, I say thank you for standing by me and still believing in me. To those who were around me in NC and didn't get to really know me (which is MOST people), I say, I'm sorry. Sorry for not letting you in. Sorry for not being a nicer person. Sorry for not being the person and friend I should have been. Sorry for all the memories we didn't have. To those who did manage to get past my "walls" and bad attitude in NC, I say THANK YOU for caring about me and making me a part of your life. Thanks for putting up with me and being my friend. To those in my life since I left NC, I hope you get to see the person I want to be. I hope you see the person who would do anything for her friends and not the bitter, frustrated, insecure girl I was as a teenager. To those who are back in my life from my past, I hope you will get to know the person I am constantly trying to be and not hold my past against me.
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