Kids can be just mean, and girls, can be the queen of mean! Coming from a mom of 3 girls, that's a hard thing to say, but it is true. The past couple of weeks, I've seen several incidents with my girls and their friends just not being nice to each other. I wish there was a magic wand to wave to teach them to not act like this. Whether its texting, at school, or hanging out things get said that shouldn't. We had chats with all three of our girls recently about not so nice things that have happened to them or that they did and how to make better choices and avoid such things in the future.
Learning Situation 1 - group of friends texting each other ... pick up the phone or walk to each others' houses. It would prevent so many of the confusions and hurt feelings. Lesson learned (we hope)... If in doubt, don't send it. If you are emotional, don't send it. If you are reacting to something someone else said, don't send it. If someone else is telling you to write it, don't send it. If you haven't thought CAREFULLY about how others might perceive it, and thought CAREFULLY about how they will feel when they do get it, don't send it... Ok, so basically - DON'T SEND IT. Texting is for communicating information, not emotions. People just get hurt and drama ensues. Lesson learned on the other side (we hope) when you get a text that isn't so nice or that you perceive as not nice, put yourself in their shoes. Could they possibly have meant it a different way? Could they be reacting to something you said? TALK TO THEM. See lesson learned above - don't send it. And ALWAYS remember that if you wouldn't say or do it one on one with the person, don't say it just because you are in a group. Sometimes being in a group causes kids to make decisions to act or say things that they wouldn't normally do.
Learning Situation 2 - group of friends playing together - three agree on repeated little decisions and the other doesn't. The other makes repeated suggestions and the other three just don't listen to any of her ideas or suggestions. The other feels left out and frustrated. Arguing ensues the entire time they play despite several requests by mom to get along and be nicer. Time runs out and no playing actually occurs. Lesson learned, listen to each other. Cooperation and respect make play time more fun. If someone in the group is consistently being left out, be the one to reach out and side with her on ideas to include her. Lesson learned, on the other side, be more flexible. If you aren't getting your way, stop and listen to their ideas. If you aren't getting your ideas listened to, yelling isn't going to help. It is best to use kind words and ask nicely to include one of your ideas. And if all else fails, consider the idea that accepting things their way is better than not playing at all. You do NOT have to have your way.
Learning Situation 3 - group of friends playing together ... one isn't nice to your sister - what do you do? You remember your sister is your friend and your family and you defend your sister! I was super proud of my daughter for defending her sister and wanting to stick by her when a friend asked "why does your sister always have to play with us?". I was so proud of her when she said "She is my friend and I like playing with her." And when the friend said "she should get her own friends" my daughter again defended her sister and said, most of her friends are my friends and most of my friends are her friends. We have a lot of fun together." I was super disappointed when the friend continued again to say "Can't we ever play without her?" and keep in mind all of this was IN EAR SHOT of the sister. At this point, mom was standing around the corner and made it clear that the conversation was over and respect and kindness should be paid to others especially when you are playing in their home and with their toys as well. Lesson learned ... defend your sister. defend your sister. defend your sister. ... yep, defend your sister. And for that matter, defend your friends as well. Don't let others talk badly about someone you care about. If it doesn't stop, you may even need to stand up for her and say please stop saying not nice things. And when that doesn't work, mom or another adult might be needed to step in and remind everyone of the rules and need for respect and kindness. Asking for help or making the tough choice of choosing different friends is sometimes necessary too. Lesson learned on the other side, never say not nice things about others. Be a friend who includes people even if they aren't your age or one of your good friends. Be a friend who includes people even if you don't always agree with them. Always be respectful and kind to others. Keep your not nice thoughts to yourself and find nice things to say instead. Focus on the positive and work to increase your number of friends by being a better friend to others.
Learning situation 4 - large gathering - group forms leaving just one other person same age... left out. It hurts! Lesson learned: When others leave you out, you need to reach out. If that doesn't work, be kind and be tough. Remember your own value and find other options. If you aren't included, sometimes it is by mistake, and sometimes it is because the other people just aren't the kind of friends you want. Do your best to be included and to become friends with person, but after repeated attempts, it is ok to move on and not work to build a friendship that is obviously a dead end. Your job is NOT to be friends with everyone, your job is to be kind to everyone and respectful of everyone. Whether or not they return that and build a friendship, is their own demon. Remember your worth is not based on the opinions of others. Your worth is divine regardless of how others treat you. Lesson learned: Be an inclusive person rather than exclusive. Everyone wants to be included so you make the extra effort to include the one left out, especially when you are in a group and one person is left out. When you are with friends, take a minute to look around and see who else you can include. If someone in your group doesn't want to include others, you need to recognize it and split away from that person so you can be a better friend. Treat others the way you would want to be treated if you were in their shoes. Their worth is divine, treat them that way.
I love my girls and they are amazing girls. But, by no means are they (or me) perfect at behaving the right way. I recognize they can be equally mean as make poor decisions. None of us are perfect. We each have our weaknesses and sometimes just bad days filled with decisions we aren't proud of after. Our decisions are often based on our own imperfections and forgetting our own value. I hope that my girls and I can learn the and live the lessons I'm attempting to teach them. I have no doubt it will make them better friends, better sisters, better individuals.
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