My emotional battle ...

I'm very grateful for a husband who encourages me to take time out once in awhile. Tonight, a bunch of the ladies in our neighborhood went out to Rubios for dinner and then to a movie to celebrate Michelle's birthday. I wanted to go, to get out and to celebrate with Michelle, but I wasn't sure I should splurge or if I was really in the mood to go. But I knew what Steve would say if I stayed home ... go have fun, you deserve it. So I went and I'm glad I did. Thanks for a fun night out ... Rubios for dinner, yummy cake, chocolate covered strawberries (my very favorite treat!!), a mindless chick flick and great company! I love you ladies!

As we've been going through this tough time, I've realized its harder to be social. Although I'm usually glad I went, (whether its a girls night, double with friends or a family gathering) it is definitely an emotional battle for me. Sometimes I feel depressed and would rather crawl back in bed. Other times, I want to be wreckless and forget it all - go be frivolous and care free instead of debating about even the things I normally considered a "need". And other times, I just sit and cry. I'll admit, sometimes I'm even jealous or flat out ANGRY at others. But most of all, I just feel like I'm not myself. Its hard to be as cheerful and easy going and upbeat when that's not how you feel inside. Its hard to not feel like a drain on the conversation and its hard to feel like I have something to contribute. Often, I want to fly under the radar and be a fly on the wall. But most of the time, I just want to avoid the risk of falling apart. For example, at church on Sunday, a friend asked a casual greeting ... "hi, how's it going?" and the falling apart, crying fest started for me. I'm sure she was totally thinking, "wow, didn't mean to open the flood gates." :) Or someone asks a simple question like "what have you been up to lately?" and I have to say not much, even though my honest answer might be any of the following: "Trying to hold it together" or "so excited because I bought this great gallon of milk the other day!" or "Cried about a dozen times so far this week, screamed about stupid things too many times to count, ..." Sometimes, coming up with an appropriate and yet honest answer while I control my emotions is tough.

Its all very frustrating for me ... I'm one who likes to be in control of things and especially myself so this depression/rage/bawling basket case, is just not comfortable for me. BUT, I am so grateful for friends who I can hang out with and just stay a little more quiet than normal, be a little more mellow than normal, maybe say a little less or sometimes unload and dump on and they still love me and want me around. So to my friends, I say keep inviting me to hang out but understand if I/we don't join you, I say don't give up on me because I need you right now, I say keep asking the simple questions and hopefully, I'll have honest happy answers to give you, but be patient with me if the answer isn't what you expected. But most of all, I say thanks! Thanks for the little things like a soda and popcorn at the movies, for giving me a hug when I fall apart at church, for inviting me to do things that take my mind off of things, for letting me be a little quieter than normal, for letting me talk when I'm ready, for being excited about Steve's interviews, for reading my blog (as much of a roller coaster of emotions as it is) and knowing what I've been up to even before you ask the question and for making comments on my blog, sending me emails or notes on facebook and letting me know we are loved ... thanks for being my friend!